My Spotless Mind

I Wear Hats

I wish I could have a conversation with my past self and my future self, 15 year old Alex and 25 year old Alex. I imagine it would be quite productive because I’m always questioning if I’ve changed and if so by how much, and what was I thinking then, or what will I be like if I continue the path I am on. The core personality that we all have still remains in me (I don’t believe I’ve ever strayed that far from said person), but the persona that I give off to others fluctuates far too often for comfort. The end result is some kind of weird emotional limbo. If I wasn’t lazy I’d recreate that time capsule lett project I did in eighth grade. I’d probably do a better job at it though because I don’t think I wrote a great amount of important information in the letter. I don’t have it with me at the moment but from what I remember reading it a couple of months back the letter read like this… I ended up making lists of my favorite tv shows, movies, video games, top 5 lists, just saying what I liked at that age (the tv shows were basically kids channel sitcoms and a few shows that I ended up getting really into such as The Office and Lost), and then I remember writing to never stop being friends with my brother but we are definitely not even slightly as close as we used to be, and then I remember reading that I shouldn’t trust people ever because no matter what they are going to hurt you, and I’m surprised I wrote that at fourteen. I mean, come on, yes it is the rebellious teen age, but I really don’t think I was a teen full of angst. I didn’t go to parties, or do drugs or get into huge fights with my parents about how I want to live my life (I do that more now, back then we’d fight about going to bed at 11pm or really stupid petty things). I’d hate to tell that kid to be optimistic because I’ve been insanely optimistic, pessimistic, realistic, egotistic, worn rose colored glasses, acted passive as fuck and now I just don’t give a shit. I’d have to look to my future self for advice in this weird multidimensional situation, but what if he tells me I should be satisfied now. Adults always say treasure your time as a kid, clearly most of them aren’t happy. Growing up is complicated because it is far too easy to lose yourself. I once asked someone who was older than me what makes them an adult, and the answer I received was that he had a car, and a job, and got laid normally… I think that answer has stuck with me because it is incredibly stupid…